i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
