just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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