i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
