Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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