matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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