You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
