the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize