I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
