So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Is it penis luge time yet?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
