I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
