There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
