Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
