last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
