Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
