The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
