take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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