escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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