Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
A+ Viking dick
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
