Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
