genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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