Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
