My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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