That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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