We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
