I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
