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you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
