the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
