she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
