I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dicks are not precious.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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