im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize