and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
