i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
