yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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