Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
