My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
