Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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