Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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