no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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