if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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