Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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