My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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