my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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