Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
