I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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