Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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