this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
