The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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