I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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