Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize