he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
