He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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