Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
