The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
