I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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