Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
