I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you had me at cake vodka
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize