I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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