Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
