I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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