The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
