Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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